Trad caravan ideal for microcar rallies

[Big Al]

Great description, enjoy.


http://m.ebay.co.uk/itm/191675366847?_mwBanner=1

[Chris Thomas]

Dear Al

The advert has been lifted.

Must have been dodgy

Chris Thomas

[Jim Janecek]

It went viral so the MIRROR basically copied it and put it HERE to read about

[richard]

cant think why it was ever posted - serious sense of humour failure 

[Big Al]

Serious husband failure! Sadly while the Mirror has used it for reportage, the original ad was really rather amusing. Not least for the many creative questions well fielded. Like most humour it looses something in interpretation. You either get it, or you do not. Of course the PC/ no fun gang will have targeted it, as satire is beyond their comprehension.

[Jim Janecek]

Here is the original text of the ad:

"Apparently I owned this utterly crap caravan for three weeks before actually setting eyes on it. My husband drunkenly bought it on Ebay, and neglected to mention that one day he’d taken the day off work and driven halfway across the country to pick it up, deposit it around the back of our office, and failed to declare it as technically a marital ‘asset’ until recently.

"Luckily, I’m the trusting type, and despite appearances I don’t think he bought it solely for the purpose of having a sordid extra-marital affair or taking up dogging, however as you might be able to see from the pictures, it would be PERFECT for both. Also pretty useful if you’re thinking of getting into murdering. I considered contacting the producers of The Fall to see if they wanted it for set dressing the next series - lets face it I’d sell my entire family for a chance to look upon Jamie Dornan with my real live eyes - but, well, life is short and ebay has been a good friend to me.

"Down to details - this caravan has four walls, a roof, wheels and an interior unmatched in modern times for what I like to call, shabby sh*t. When I discovered I / we now owned this abomination of a wheeled device, I briefly considered starting a fun project to convert it into something cool - covering it in glitter, wallpapering the walls with fur, doing demented Cath Kidston-esque upholstery and starting an ill advised business touring festivals selling tat etc. but I’ve got two children, a job, and an idiot husband to deal with and quite frankly, time is money so I’m not going to bother.

"That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t though. Think of the fun you could have in it whilst gazing out of the slightly tinted windows at rain-lashed Britain. Perhaps you could whittle a toilet for it out of the sad remains of your soul (there is a space for one). If I had a bigger garden (i.e. one where I couldn’t see this caravan) I’d let my children have it as a playhouse, but having been raised on an almost total visual diet of driftwood and White Company homewares I’m worried that they are simply far too middle class to tolerate the amount of beige laminate which makes up the interior. Nothing a few coats of paint wouldn’t fix, but like I said - ABSOLUTELY NOT to be undertaken by anyone with small children, better things to do, or indeed, any reliable form of social life.

"On the other hand, if you’re the kind of person who likes to bake an egg inside an avocado, eat 'clean', sew bunting, create endless ironic pinterest boards of favourite beards and/or breton tops then this could well be just the ticket to while away those spare hours.

"This apparently tows well, (although you will need a light board), does not leak, and quite frankly if you’re in the market for a shit caravan - this is the one for you!

"Cash on collection, viewings welcome, no sex pests or weirdos, no refunds, absolutely no forward rolls. Call 01604 696907 with any questions

"*EDIT - Free idiot husband for winning bidder

"** FURTHER EDIT - It has been brought to my attention that the "caravan" would also be suitable for use as a rolling meth lab.

"Apologies for the omission.

"Apologies to rolling meth lab workers offended by this omission."

And some/most of the Q/A that followed:

Q: Does this come with a free Tetanus injection?
A: Woefully, not.

Q: I cannot believe you had the audacity to start the bidding at 99p - have you no shame?
A: Erm. Nope. I actually started the bidding at £150, but then revised the listing as was told it was wildly ambitious. Currently, the highest bid is £65,800 though, so who's laughing now mother hubbards???!

Q: Looking for a seedy cheap looking porn set. Can you confirm how many middle-aged moustached German men can be 'accommodated' comfortably and can you confirm that the brown interior is 1970's standard porn beige
A: I am afraid this caravan is MUCH TOO RICKETY to accomodate moustached German men. Danish, maybe. German - no.

Q: I see that this item is fairly local to me. Is it possible that you could move it further away, please? Many thanks in advance...
A: HA!

Q: Hi, I have a suitably sh*te tow car I want to get rid of (broken and rusty) can we have your blokes details to dupe him into purchace please, its such a perfect combo.
A: I suspect he's probably already bidding on it.

Q: Hi. Do you have an equally sh*te car for sale to tow it? You know, one with stains of unknown / indescribable origin, old copies of the Sun jammed on the dashboard, underpants in the boot and go faster stripes?
A: Funny you should mention that - not only does my idiot husband secretly buy terrible caravans, he also has a penchant for buying more second hand cars than any family ever needs. I'm trying to persuade him to part with the BRIGHT BASTARD RED 80'S PORCHE he has as a 'spare' at the moment. The windscreen is so grubby when you sit in it it's like looking out into the actual past. Feel free to make an offer on that.

Q: Just curious, what's that white powder stuff outside the door?..
A: The powdered remains of my enemies

Q: Looking for a seedy cheap looking porn set. Can you confirm how many middle-aged moustached German men can be 'accommodated' comfortably and can you confirm that the brown interior is 1970's standard porn beige
A: I am afraid this caravan is MUCH TOO RICKETY to accommodate moustached German men. Danish, maybe. German - no.

Q: I notice it says, 'May not post to Australia.' Is there a reason for this?
A: As everybody knows, Australia is a nation peopled almost ENTIRELY by criminals.

Q: Is this for real?
A: Yes Emma. This caravan actually exists, and I would like to sell it. I'm a bit unsure as to whether I will ever realise the current £70k high bid, but nevertheless - the caravan MUST GO.

Q: Is your husband also responsible for the half arsed (I'm being generous) re-roofing project behind picture No. 1 ?
A: How rude. That is our house.

Q: Being a suspicious type, I notice from your description that this - er - caravan has a roof and four walls I wonder if you would have a suitable floor available as I wouldn't want 'things' falling onto the road
A: Good point. Very good point.

Q: If I buy it can I leave it parked at your place? I don't want the people here in the Welsh Valleys to think I'm showing off.
A: :-)

Q: I have 6 juvenile bantam cockerels. Would you consider a swap?
A: :-) No. They sound like cocks.

Q: Do you have a buy it now price?
A: At current reckoning I'm considering letting it go for a a buy it now price of £100,000,000, plus a small tropical private island, personal account at Harrods and having my face burnished with solid gold. Let me know if you're still interested.

Q: Dear Linzhead, I recently met an older woman through a friend of a friend. She is used to the finer things in life, designer clothes and first class travel. She spends most of her time getting letched on by stockbrokers and is currently on a one woman mission to rid the world of gin. I would like to show her how much pleasures could gain from the simple life. Would this two wheeled abomination be a suitable way of showing her how us mere scumbag mortals spend our leisure time? Should I perhaps aim slightly more up market for fear of scaring her off and book us a self catering long weekend in the third circle of hell?
A: Save yourself the trouble and head for Kettering. (you're welcome.)

Q: Hi, I have a suitably shite tow car I want to get rid of (broken and rusty) can we have your blokes details to dupe him into purchace please, its such a perfect combo.
A: I suspect he's probably already bidding on it.

Q: Hi there, Are backward rolls acceptable please?
A: Nope. Absolutely not. (pervert)

Q: Would it burn well ?
A: If the winning bidder gets a bit shy about their £65,900 commitment, then we shall see.....!

Q: Is the upholstery free of stains? regards Bob Hatter
A: I don't dare look too closely. Assume not.

Q: Does this come with an awning for dismembering bodies?
A: Yup. Oh no, wait. No.

Q: I've got a c*** van to sell, can you put me in touch with your husband please?
A: Sorry, we already have one of those too. It is blue. Also bought on Ebay.

Q: What`s the hubby look like?
A: Like the drunken owner of this caravan

[Rob Dobie]

 A few years ago ebay took off an ad for some poor chaps wife that he wanted rid of. Cor, was she ugly, a face that would frighten horses. 

[Big Al]

Ah ha! All we need is Colin Furze with his modified Tuc Tuc. Thanks Jim.

Second Ah ha, Rob! The face that launched a thousand quips. So yes horses were involved, as were Trojans. Something about hiding horses in Trojans and leaving them laying around to be greased, or bust, wasn't it? No doubt she had hectored him, thus leading to the auction on eBay. Many and long is the list of stuff you cannot sell. I was disappointed when they pulled the aircraft carrier off.

[richard]

Really cannot believe you weirdos are posting all of this offensive nonsense on a micro site !!!! Can't you you just go and hack the white house like other idiots do . I mean it ! It does t belong on here under microcars for sale . And you Jim what are you up to ?

[DaveMiller]

Good heavens, Richard, calm down, dear, it's only an advert.

It's not to do with microcars (and neither is the collection of a new Thames lorry ... ), but we're all interested in vehicles, and enjoy a good laugh.

[Big Al]

It says 'sales and auctions' on the banner, not 'Microcar sales and auctions'. Last microcar rallies I went to, there were a few of these types of caravan there (and at Beaulieu!). But I forgot, we are not allowed to advertise things others covert. Tsk, tsk. Afraid some of us find this very amusing and satirical. We do not take it seriously and accept its a wife venting her anger at hubby in a reasonably constructive way. As with any topic, your welcome to click off, rather than kick off.

[richard]

It's RUM forum - topic is sales and auctions - " have you spotted a microcar...... " not have you spotted anything you think is humorous and can get away with . I am not a prude if I want general humour or dodgy stuff I can , and will ,    go else where . This is the register of unusual microcars forum . Am I wrong ?

[AndrewG]

This would surely be the most appropriate and maybe even belongs to someone known here:

[Big Al]

I think Terry Parkin might have created the first usable version on this idea. Might even be it. Not that he was scared of doing the miles in the Isetta. It was an answer to his needs at the time.

[Big Al]

Its back in  edited form as eBay item 191678599557